Funny Old Age Quotes From George Burns, Bette Midler And Others

“The spiritual eyesight improves as the physical eyesight declines.” – Plato.

Isn’t that quote about old age true and funny? They are truly funny, indeed.

We all know that not every one has the opportunity to grow old. If we are lucky enough to live long and healthy life, we should be grateful.

We should live life to the fullest with passion and joy. We should live a full juicy life.

Getting Old Quotes Funny

There is this popular unverified quote, “Many people die at twenty five and aren’t buried until they are seventy five.” (No, it is not by Benjamin Franklin or Max Frisch).

What this line implies is, there are people who are already “spiritually” dead, even though physically they are still alive.

You can call them, dead man walking, so to speak.

These are the people who find life meaningless and have no reason to live. What a shame!

Funny Old Age Quotes From George Burns, Bette Midler, Mark Twain And Others

Below I have cheery picked some of these funny old age quotes from George Burns, Bette Midler and others.

Take your time to read through all these verified hilarious getting old quotes.

“The tragedy of old age is not that one is old, but that one is young.” – Oscar Wilde

(The Picture of Dorian Gray By Oscar Wilde)

“He’s reached the age where the candles cost more than the cake.” – Carbett Monica

(Carbett Monica made a joke at fellow comedian Dick Shawn at a birthday party in 1963; Sarasota Herald Tribune, April 5, 1963)

“The secret to staying young is to live honestly, eat slowly, and lie about your age.” – Lucille Ball

(An Uncommon Scold by Abby Adams, 1989, aging; p.17)

“…Old age is like flying through a storm. Once you’re aboard, there’s nothing you can do.” – Golda Meir

“…la vecchiaia è come un aereo che vola nella tempesta. Una volta che ci sei dentro, non puoi farci più nulla.” (Italian)

(Golda Meir interviewed by Oriana Fallaci, November 1972)

(The quote in Italian is found in: Intervista a Golda Meir di Oriana Fallaci, November 1972, Focus Israel, Emanuel Baroz)

(The quote in Italian is also found in: Intervista con la storia By Oriana Fallaci, Prefazione Di Federico Rampini, Bur, 2011)

“Please don’t get me wrong here. I’m not making fun of old people. In fact I think that’s the goal of everybody here tonight. We all want to be an old person someday.” – Jeff Foxworthy

(Unverified)

“After thirty, a body has a mind of its own.” – Bette Midler

(Reader’s Digest, 1982) (Unverified)

“Age mellows some people; others it makes rotten.” – Proverb

(A Dictionary of American Proverbs, By Wolfgang Mieder, Stewart A. Kingsbury, Kelsie B. Harder,1992; no.10)

“By the time you’re eighty years old you’ve learned everything. You only have to remember it.” – Unknown

“Old age comes at a bad time.” – Unknown

“To see how short life is, a man must have grown old, that is to say, he have lived long.” – Arthur Schopenhauer.

(Counsels And Maxims By Arthur Schopenhauer, Translated By T. Bailey Saunders, M.A., Ch.V, The Ages Of Life)

“The years that a woman subtracts from her age are not lost. They are added to other women’s.” – Diane de Poitiers

(An Uncommon Scold by Abby Adams, 1989, aging; p.16)

“The woman who tells her age is either too young to have anything to lose or too old to have anything to gain.” – Chinese Proverb

(Storytelling Folklore Sourcebook by Norma J. Livo, Sandra A. Riet, 1991; p.261)

“I refuse to admit I’m more than fifty-two, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.” – Lady Astor

(An Uncommon Scold by Abby Adams, 1989, aging; p.19)

“You can’t help getting older, but you don’t have to get old.” – George Burns

(George Burns: An American Life; p.174)

“Age does not depend upon years, but upon temperament and health. Some men are born old, and some never grow so.” – Tryon Edwards

(A Dictionary Of Thoughts By Tryon Edwards, 1908, Age; p.11-12)

“When you become senile, you won’t know it.” – Unknown

“You know you’re getting old when all the names in your black book have M. D. after them.” – Arnold Palmer

(1,001 Pearls of Golfers’ Wisdom: Advice and Knowledge, from Tee to Green By Jim Apfelbaum, Arnold Palmer;p.388)

“You’re always younger now than you will be for the rest of your life.” – Quotationize

“Profundity of thought belongs to youth, clarity of thought to old age.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

(Human, All Too Human By Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, Translated By Paul V Cohn)

“Those who love deeply never grow old; they may die of old age, but they die young.” – Arthur Wing Pinero

[Written as “Dose who love deep never grow old, I have ‘eard it said. Dey may die of age, but dey die young.”]

(The Princess and The Butterfly By Arthur Pinero, 1897, Fifth Act; p.218)

“The gardener’s rule applies to youth and age: When young “sow wild oats,” but when old, grow sage.” – Henry James Byron

(The Pilgrim of Love! A Fairy Romance By Henry James Byron, 1860; Sc.1)

“Tis not by the grey of the hair that one knows the age of the heart.” – Edward Bulwer Lytton.

(The Parisians By E. B. Lytton, Bk. VII, Ch. IV)

“Youth is a blunder; manhood a struggle; old age a regret” – Benjamin Disraeli

(Coningsby; Or The New Generation By Benjamin Disraeli, Leipzig: Bernh Tauchnitz Jun, 1844, Bk III, Ch.I, P. 110) source

(The quote is also found in: Youth, Wit And Wisdom Of Benjamin Disraeli Earl Of Beaconsfield, Collected From His Writings And Speeches, London: Longmans, Green And Co., 1881, P. 380) source

(Two more sources of the quote are found here and here.)

“It is the epitome of life. The first half of life consists of the capacity to enjoy without the chance; the last half consists of the chance without the capacity.” – Mark Twain

(The Complete Letters Of Mark Twain By Mark Twain, Vol. 1, Letter to Edward Dimmit, 19 July 1901, p.1045)

“The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age brings wisdom.” – H. L. Mencken

(Prejudices, Third Series By H. L. Mencken, 1922, Advice to Young Men, 2. The Venerable Examined; p. 311 )

“At 20 years of age the will reigns, at 30 the wit, at 40 the judgment.” – Benjamin Franklin

(Poor Richards By Franklin Benjamin, Almanack, 1741; p.29)

“Being seventy is not a sin. It’s not a joy, either.” – Golda Meir

(Golda Meir: Peace and Arab Acceptance Were Goals of Her 5 Years as Premier, New York Times, December 9, 1978)

“Hell, for women, is old age.” (L’enfer des femmes, c’est la vieillesse.) – Francois de la Rochefoucauld

(Maximes By Francois de la Rochefoucauld, 2003, no. 562; p.195)

“Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.” – Groucho Marx

(Groucho And Me, Ch.1 Why Write When You Can Telegraph Your Punches)

“In youth we run into difficulties; in old age difficulties run into us.” – Unknown

“Our youth and manhood are due to our country, but our declining years are due to ourselves.” – Pliny The Elder

(The Letters of Pliny the Consul, Volume 1, 1748; Letter XXIII To Pomponius Bassus)

“Years do not make sages ; they only make old men.” – Madame Swetchine (Anne Sophie Swetchine)

(The Writings Of Madame Swetchine, Edited By Count De Falloux, Translated By H. W. Preston, Boston:Roberts Brothers, 1869, CI, P. 75) source

(The quote is also found here.)

“It is perfectly true, as the philosophers say, that life must be understood backwards. But they forget the other proposition, that it must be lived forwards.” (Det er ganske sandt, hvad Philosophien siger, at Livet maa forstaaes baglænds. Men derover glemmer man den anden Sætning, at det maa leves forlænds) – Soren Kierkegaard

[Popular version: Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived foreward]

(Jounalen, JJ:167) – Danish Translation link.

(The Soul of Kierkegaard: Selections from His Journals By Søren Kierkegaard, Translated By Alexander Dru, 1843; p.89)

“People often asked me why I don’t go out with women my own age, and I tell them the truth – there are no women my age.” – George Burns

(All My Best Friends By George Burns With David Fisher, G. K. Hall & Company, 1991, P. 214) source

Another similar quote is:

“Why young girls? I’d go out with women my own age, but there are no women my age.” – George Burns

(Interview With George Burns By Roger Ebert, www.rogerebert.com, June 03, 1979) source

“Nature abhors the old, and old age seems the only disease; all others run into this one.”- Ralph Waldo Emerson

(Essays: First Series, By Ralph Waldo Emerson; Circles)

“Women are not forgiven for aging. Robert Redford’s lines of distinction are my old-age wrinkles.” – Jane Fonda

(Sydney Morning Herald, 22 December 1985)

“Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that happen to a man.” – Leon Trotsky

“Старость есть самая неожиданная из всех вещей, которые случаются с человеком.” (Russian)

(Leon Trotsky’s Diary In Exile 1935, Translated From The Russian By Elena Zarudnaya, Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press, 1958, Notebook 2, May 1935-June 1935, May 8, P. 64) link

(The quote is also found in: Leon Trotsky’s Diary In Exile 1935, Translated From The Russian By Elena Zarudnaya, London: Faber And Faber, 1958, Notebook 2, May 1935-June 1935, May 8, P. 99) link

Note: To view the quote, go to page 99.

(The quote in Russian is found in: Леон Троцкий: Дневники и письма, Эрмитаж, 1986, P. 113) link

“Youth, after all, is so beautiful exactly because there is old age and death..” – Leon Trotsky

“Молодость в конце концов потому так и прекрасна, что есть старость и смерть” (Russian)

(Leon Trotsky’s Diary In Exile 1935, Translated From The Russian By Elena Zarudnaya, Cambridge, Massachusetts: Harvard University Press, 1958, Notebook 1, February 1935 – May 1935, March 29, P. 50) link

(The quote is also found in: Leon Trotsky’s Diary In Exile 1935, Translated From The Russian By Elena Zarudnaya, London: Faber And Faber, 1958, Notebook 1, February 1935 – May 1935, March 29, P. 57) link

Note: To view the quote, go to page 57.

(The quote in Russian is found in: Леон Троцкий: Дневники и письма, Эрмитаж, 1986, P. 87) link

“When I go out on the stage now, I don’t do anything that isn’t my age. I allow myself to get old.” – George Burns

(George Burns and the Hundred-Year Dash By Martin Gottfried, 1996; p.365)

“Old age is the harbor of all ills.” – Diogenes

(Lives Of The Eminent Philosophers Translated by Robert Drew Hicks, Laertius, Bk.IV, Bion)

“Life’s tragedy is that we get old too soon and wise too late.” – Benjamin Franklin

(Unverified)

“For it is disgraceful even for an old man, or one who has sighted old age, to have a note-book knowledge.” – Seneca The Younger (Lucius Annaeus Seneca)

(Moral Letters To Lucilius By Seneca, Letter XXXIII; On the Futility of Learning Maxims)

“…Men grow old because they stop playing, and not conversely…” – G. Stanley Hall

(Adolescence: Its Psychology and Its Relations to Physiology, Anthropology, Sociology, Sex, Crime, Religion and Education By Hall, G. Stanley, 1904, Volume 1, Growth of Motor Power And Function; p.235)

“Vainly do old men pray for death, regretting their age and the long span of life. If death draws near, none wants to die, and age is no more a burden to him.” – Euripides

(Alcestis By Euripides Translated by Richard Aldington, 438 B.C. E)

“Age is rarely despised but when it in contemptible.” – Samuel Johnson

(The Rambler, Volumes 1-4 By Samuel Johson, 1793; p.114)

“Age, that lessens the enjoyment of life, increases our desire of living.” – Oliver Goldsmith

(Poems And Essays By Oliver Goldsmith, On The Increased Of Life With Age; p.151)

“The golden age of mankind is not behind us, but before us.” – Claude Henri de Rouvroy, Comte de Saint-Simon, and A. Thierry

(Saint-Simon and Saint-Simonism: A Chapter In The History of Socialism In France, Translated by Arthur John Booth, 1871; p.38)

“Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.” – Unknown

“All wish to live long, but not to be called old” (Alle ville længe leve, men Ingen vil gammel hede) – Danish Proverb

(A Polyglot of Foreign Proverbs: Comprising French, Italian, German, Dutch, Spanish, Portuguese, and Danish, with English Translations and a General Index By Henry George Bohn; p.347)

“We’ve put more effort into helping folks reach old age than into helping them enjoy it.” – Frank Howard Clark

“The veracity which increases with old age is not far from folly.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

(Reflections: Or Sentences And Moral Maxims By Francois de La Rochefoucauld, 1898; 416)

“You can live to be a hundred if you give up all things that make you want to live to be a hundred.” – Woody Allen

(Unverified)

“People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit.” – George Burns

(Unverified)

“Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.” – Mark Twain

(Autobiography with Letters, William L. Phelps; p.965)

“Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.” – Anonymous

“Age is but a comparison.” – Edward Counsel

(Maxims: Political, Philosophical, And Moral, 1295; p.39)

“No man is ever old enough to know better.” – Unknown

“Youth looks forward, for nothing is behind! Age backward, for nothing is before.” – Ambrose Bierce

(A Cynic Looks at Life, Epigrams Of A Cynic; p.728)

“An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.” – Agatha Christie

(Attributed to her by her second husband Sir Max Mallowan, quoted in news report, 9 March 1954) (Unverified)

“The first forty years of life furnish the text, while the remaining thirty supply the commentary.” – Arthur Schopenhauer

(Counsels And Maxims By Arthur Schopenhauer, Ch.V, The Ages of Life)

“Age is just one of the markers we use to discriminate.” – Richard L. Sprott

(Aging, Biotechnology, and the Future, Reality Check, ch.1;p.8)

“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Sir Norman Wisdom

(My Turn: An Autobiography;p.300)

“Growing old isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative.” – Unknown

“Don’t make a fuss about growing older. Not that many can actually make it.” – Quotationize

“Age is a tyrant who forbids at the penalty of life all the pleasures of youth.” – Francois De La Rochefoucauld

(Reflections Or, Sentences and Moral Maxims By Francois De La Rochefoucauld, Translated By J. W. Willis Bund and J. Hain Friswell, 1871; 461)

“A man is not old until regrets take the place of dreams.” – John Barrymore

(Good Night Sweet Prince: The Life And Times Of John Barrymore By Gene Fowler, ch.10; p.178)

“I’m like old wine. They don’t bring me out very often, but I’m well preserved.” – Rose Kennedy

(The Raising of a President: The Mothers and Fathers of Our Nation’s Leaders By Doug Wead; p.255)

“I’m at that age when I get discouraged by little things, like a kid calling his father “the old man” – and Dad is thirty-two.” – Robert Orben

(2400 Jokes To Brighten Your Speeches By Robert Orben, New York: Doubleday & Company Inc, 1984, M: Middle Age) source

“Middle age is when your glasses and your waistline get thicker, and your hair and your wallet get thinner.” – Robert Orben

(2400 Jokes To Brighten Your Speeches By Robert Orben, New York: Doubleday & Company Inc, 1984, M: Middle Age) source

“Middle age is when skintight isn’t that accurate a description.” – Robert Orben

(2400 Jokes To Brighten Your Speeches By Robert Orben, New York: Doubleday & Company Inc, 1984, M: Middle Age) source

“Being fifty-five is like driving 55- everybody seems to pass you.” – Robert Orben

(2400 Jokes To Brighten Your Speeches By Robert Orben, New York: Doubleday & Company Inc, 1984, M: Middle Age) source

“Old age is when parents find out that stockings support and children don’t.” – Robert Orben